Alternative Facts

by Paul Krassner

Between the choice of a one-man-one-vote (Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia) and fake news of Weapons of Mass Destruction, invasion of Iraq, and horror of ISIS, George Bush was elected president in the year 2000. It was due to the electoral college (a rigged system which originally intended to prevent slaves from voting and which evolved to gerrymandering), even though Bush’s opponent, Al Gore, won the national popular vote.

Hillary Clinton was elected senator that year, and she announced that the first thing she would do was to get rid of the electoral college. A few years later, as a columnist for the New York Press, I sent her a letter asking about the status of that promise. She didn’t reply.

On November 8, 2016, a crooked businessman, liar extraordinaire, bragging pussy-grabber, make-America-white-again, anti-choice, anti-Semite, fake Christian, climate-change hoaxer, Nobamacare, homophobic, apprentice politician, fascist tweeter, and Vladimir Putin’s “useful idiot” —  namely Donald Trump — was elected as an insanely narcissistic dictator based on the electoral college, whereas his opponent, Hillary Clinton, won the national popular vote by “more than three million” individuals.

Irony lives.

But an incredibly cruel monster inadvertently awakened a sleeping population to counteract the essence of evil with love, laughs, and law, fueled by the aid of true news. Incidentally, Putin had 88 journalists murdered. No wonder Trump told him, “It’s an honor to be with you.” Now Putin wanted Obama’s new sanctions on Russia to be reprieved.

National Security Adviser Michael Flynn had discussed it with the Russian ambassador a month before Trump took office. Although General Flynn joined his campaign and shared criminal secrets, he denied them to the FBI. It was a felony offense. The Justice Department warned Trump that Flynn had misled Mike Pence, and that Flynn could be vulnerable to blackmail. Trump asked Flynn to resign, and yet he offered him his job back when he got out of prison. Why? Because Flynn was the scapegoat, taking the fall for the president and vice-president. He preferred a trial with immunity since they knew. Pence said Flynn lied and that was a lie.

If Trump and Pence were both to be kicked out of the White House, the next in line would be the Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan. Steve Bannon described him as “a limp-dick motherfucker who was born in a petri dish at the Heritage Foundation.” In turn, professional communicator Anthony Scaramucci boasted, “I’m not Steve Bannon, I’m not trying to suck my own cock.” Ah, but Bannon said he wanted to destroy Ryan.

Hallelujah!